When I was in my teens, the subject started out as random small talk, subtle hints, and jokes. Then when I hit my early twenties, the small talk grew into bold talk, hints turned into strong opinions, and jokes turned into assumptions. By the time I reached my late twenties, it all had turned into either constant questioning of my womanhood, judgement of my character, or full on interrogation. The subject of having children became a warzone, and something I avoided like the plague in conversations. Maybe it is, because I have stuck strongly with the choice of not having kids. This has nothing to do with disliking children, despite that being the first assumption about me. I have a lot of friends who have children I adore. I applaud them, because I know being a parent is not easy. I know many of them who get ridicule, for making the choice to have kids. However, many women I’ve met who have shared my same choice, live with being pasted with these negative stigmas. There are the stigmas of being called cold, or heartless, because not wanting kids automatically makes me a child hater. Then there is the stigma of being called selfish, because apparently becoming a mother is my main obligation in life as a woman, and that I am only thinking of myself. Well, of course I am only thinking of myself. I am deciding what I think is best for me. Why must I conform to an ideal that has remained a social norm since the Victorian era?
In fact, many women have children because of the pressure of social norms. Julia Mcquillan, and others, argue this point in a 2012 article, along with how especially in the United States, that there is a strong cultural expectation to bear children. Also, in the United States, many still associate parenthood with ‘adult identity’ (Mcquillan 1167). This thought is associated more with the attainment of womanhood, because of women being associated with the “mother” label. This is evident in the number of literature, poems and stories, that take jabs at women, who have chosen a career, or life of a solitude, over motherhood. In a 1980 article, Lawrence G. Calhoun, and James W. Selby speak of how in their studies, it seemed women were questioned and judged more for their reasons of not having children, than men were. (Calhoun 183). This type of constant questioning can add even more the pile of pressure to have children.
It can be worse when that questioning follows you into your own home, or among people who are supposed to support you in your decisions. There are many parents, or siblings that love to make the comments of “When are you going to give me some grandbabies?” or “When are you going to give me a niece/nephew to spoil?”. It can be fun in passing, but when those questions turn into lectures, that is when pressure begins to build. Friends can be as bad with their poking and prodding of your reasons to choose to remain childless. It almost feels like they are trying to disprove some magical creature. Then when you try to avoid the subject or tell them you would rather not discuss the subject. They get offended as if they are the one having this kid. This leads to the question of, when did your choice, become everyone’s else’s?
The power of choice plays such a big role in this type of decision. Not only for the possible mom-to-be, but for the possible to-be-born child. Saul Smilansky’s 1995 article talks about the negative ramifications of having an unwanted child, such as abandonment, mistreatment or improper care. (Similansky 41- 42). For a woman, this could lead to having many regrets, that could affect her mentally, and emotionally. There has even been a trend online of groups of parents, who regret they had kids. Either because of the time they took up, goals they had to give up, and for some having kids broke up their marriages. The issue it can cause for both the child and mother, is the divide caused by a bond that for many will never exist. This is a natural occurrence, when one person does not want another.
These are the type of situations that society pressures can lead to, and why these pressures need to become extinct. These Victorian ideals should stay in the past like the era itself. By letting the power of choice become the new ideal, that replaces the ideal of being obligated to have children. We create the probability to prevent more broken families, broken children, and broken women.
WORKS CITED
Calhoun, Lawrence G., and James W. Selby. “Voluntary Childlessness, Involuntary Childlessness, and Having Children: A Study of Social Perceptions.” Family Relations, vol. 29, no. 2, 1980, pp. 181–183. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/584069.
McQuillan, Julia, et al. “Does the Reason Matter? Variations in Childlessness Concerns Among U.S. Women.” Journal of Marriage and Family, vol. 74, no. 5, 2012, pp. 1166–1181., www.jstor.org/stable/41678782.
Smilansky, Saul. “Is There a Moral Obligation to Have Children?” Journal of Applied Philosophy, vol. 12, no. 1, 1995, pp. 41–53. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24354037.